Posts Tagged ‘ self-worth ’

On The Wrong Side of My Eyes

EyeIt’s been awhile since I’ve posted, to be honest I just haven’t felt up to it. That’s just one of the many problems with being a depressed blogger – when you are in a funk it is pretty hard to get the motivation necessary to post. I’m back now.

So a little back story, when I posted last month about self-worth, it was a bit before my own annual review. Let’s just say it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. What I think made it harder is that the negative feedback, I’m sorry, “constructive criticism” was not about my work product, my skills or abilities, but rather about my personality and how I am perceived. I wonder if I can bring in a doctor’s note about that? Seriously though, for those of us with personality disorders, what do you do when it is how you are perceived that gets in the way of your career success? Do I get a pass?

Needless to say, hearing the feedback from my manager and boss about how I come across to people really through me for a loop. I always considered myself to be pretty self-aware, but obviously I was wrong.  I have no real context for dealing with this sort of thing and it undoubtedly has stirred up some bad feelings. One of my most painful memories from my early adolescence is from junior high school. (Yeah, I know, everyone has painful memories from junior highschool, what makes me so special? Nothing, but it my blog.) I had a large group of friends my age, both girls and boys, from all different backgrounds and walks of life. One day, a girl who I thought was my friend, walks up to me and hands me a stack of papers, classic white, lined, notebook paper. And as I start to look down at the first page she announces to me that she is submitting to me a petition – a petition that all of our friends had signed to signify that they all agreed that I was a bitch and I was being kicked out of the group.

There are many things that I am prepared to hear about myself, criticisms I am open to, things I want to change. Hearing that people think you are a horrible person, when all along you thought you were one of the good guys (when you don’t actually intend to come across that way) is devasting. I’ve heard that one of the signs of a personality disorder is the feeling that your outsides don’t match your insides… All of this time I thought I was seeing myself how others saw me, but all of this time I’ve been on the wrong side of my eyes.

2010
04/04
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We’re Not Worthy

ScalesFrom what I understand issues with measuring self-worth is common with those living with mental illness. For those of us compulsive overachiever types equating career success is an easy copout for building a healthy sense of self-worth.

How many of us do just that? Spend years of our lives working towards an unachievable (and often undefined) goal? In the hopes that ‘success’ will prove our right to exist, our reason for being here. The education system and most career tracks make this really easy to fall into.

Study hard = get good grades
Get good grades = get into a good college
Get into a good college = get a good job
Do well at your job (year after year) = get promoted
Get promoted
…. and then what?

I’m not knocking the career track, I can’t criticize the desire to climb the corporate ladder. Heck, it is what gets me out of bed every morning. But there’s the rub… If I am one of the many who ‘lives to work’ rather than ‘works to live’ what happens if that ability to be better, do more, get more, earn more, fails me?

Along that path to success there are some mile markers – some points where you are forced to measure yourself by someone else’s standards. Now for those of us who need that outside acceptance to feel worthy that in theory sounds like a great thing, a chance to prove without a doubt that we are good, but the reality can be a bit daunting. Take for example the review process. Most companies and organizations have some sort of annual review process, some more formal than others. What happens when the time comes to sit down with those who get to judge you, those who are paid to measure you against your peers, and they don’t like what they see? How do you maintain a sense of self-worth if you can’t maintain success at the one thing you think makes you worth something? Why would anyone put themselves through that? It is like the people who submit their photos for those “Hot or Not” ratings… Why in the world would anyone ever expose themself to that sort of judgement or critique?

Is the possibility of “official confirmation” – of reassurance from an outside source that you have value – that much of a driving force?

2010
03/18
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